#31 Unceasing Questions Part III

Does the United States put silencers on most of their guns?
Where did the name of the Olympics come from?
Did you know that James Madison was the shortest president?
Could you function without your nervous system?
Did you know the battle of Gettysburg was the bloodiest battle in American history?
How do women die in childbirth?
Does the pope ever go to funerals?
In what battle did Napoleon die?
What is salt?
On what day of the week were you born?
These four in sequence: How do you picture a dwarf? How do you picture a gnome? How do you picture an elf? How do you picture an org?
What is lust?
Did they have hot sauce when Jesus was alive?
(on the ski lift) When did Ukraine become a country?

#30 Line Out the Door and Barf on the Floor

Family road trips are fun! And even when they aren’t fun they almost certainly lead to comedy. We spent spring break on the beach in Gulf Shores. It was a great trip down with a couple of great stops over night and a fantastic week there.

We departed to come home to Michigan by 8am and were extremely proud of ourselves. About two hours north we hit some traffic on I65. We kept watching the delay on our phone app and the time of the delay kept growing. The arrival time kept retreating. It was a major back up and we were at a stand still for a long time. People were turning their cars off and getting out on the highway to walk around. The weather was beautiful and the motorists I saw all seemed to be taking it in stride. Many had cars full of kids and stuff and licenses plate from somewhere other than Alabama. By pure luck we were parked on the highway parallel to a rest stop. Eventually our oldest walked up the embankment to use the rest area. This was a good 90 minutes into our wait. And that’s when the traffic started to move. Lisa called his phone over and over. We pulled over to the right, put the hazard lights on and waited. He ran back down the embankment, which was a site, and we were off.

We broke 60mph for thirty minutes or so and we were excited to make some progress. Then we hit another four car pile up, according to the app. Once again we sat and sat. Another hour plus rolled. We managed to stay a fairly jolly crew. There are sometimes (a minority of times) when devices in your kids’ faces really come in handy!

We stopped at a rest stop after we had been moving for a bit. This was the first opportunity for all of the people stuck with us in traffic to stop too. This was a rest stop constructed about 97 years ago and there was a line out the door for both rest rooms. Us boys ran to the boys’ and the girls ran to the girls’. We had progressed to be in line inside the bathroom. The bathroom did have a strong odor of industrial cleaner, which is the only thing I can think of that got to Drew. Without any warning, a hand signal, a gagging noise, he proceeded to barf all over the middle of the floor for the audience. No one applauded. He could have used one of the three sinks in front of him or the garbage can two feet to his right. Nah. He thought the floor would be better. Another teenager pulled the garbage can closer to Drew in case there was a second round.

Our 5p arrival became a 9:30pm arrival. We switched driving duties. We made jokes amidst our frustration. We arrived in one piece and in decent moods.  They are memories that were annoying in the present that will get funnier with time. Family road trips are indeed awesome. It’s just that sometimes the memories have to age a little bit.

#29 I Love a Good Tantrum!

I love a good tantrum. What makes a tantrum good? Well, it has to have a few qualities. It can’t happen very often. For this 9 year old that means once every month or two. The words and comments have to be so over the top that I cannot help but laugh. And the younger the kid the better. If I received a ranting tirade from my 17 year old son (I don’t) I would hardly think that is funny. But a solid monologue about what an oppressive dad I am from my nine year old can be quite funny.

This happened on a Saturday morning when the weather was rainy and cold. Like most kids, Drew, who is nine, prefers to lay around and watch a show or three and start his day slowly. Lisa had him signed up for a basketball camp a few sequential Saturdays and he knew it was on the calendar for the morning but he didn’t want to go. It started with the usual begging and pleading when we woke him up, which doesn’t even register in my brain. That continued while he was relaxing on the couch and eating breakfast. “I don’t want to go. Can I please not go this one time. I don’t like basketball. Why do you make me do things I don’t want to do? Why doesn’t Max have to go anywhere?!” were all part of the on and off monologue. It continue until we got in the car. It continued for the duration of the car ride to school. The closer we got to school the more desperate he got.

Since he wasn’t getting a reaction out of me he ratcheted up the rhetoric. “You are such mean parents! You make us do whatever you want! You just want to make my headache worse!” Then I finally laughed out loud because I had to vent with laughter or frustration. And I said something reasonable like, “Drew, this is only for 90 minutes. You are going to have a good time with your friends and you will feel great when you are done.” Then it was, “So you don’t love me anymore!?” and “You just wanted to have kids so you could have slaves!” Hahaha. Zing.

#28 They Help Make Messes

Kitchen counters are covered with donuts to be fried and it’s been a two day affair. Two cases of toilet paper rest by the front door but they were on the front porch for three days. The violin is in the living room to trip people but in its case. Coats hang on the back of kitchen table chairs but they’re not on the floor. Couch blankets are hanging on the bench. Dirty clothes basket is at top of the stairs, which is full. Rubbermaid bins are open in the hallway of somebody’s summer clothes. Two duffel bags are in the midst of being packed for a trip. Baskets full of folded laundry, piles of folded laundry, pile of clothes to try on, spilling store bags half falling off the bed, top of the dresser covered with folded clothes to put away in our room. The homework room looks like an arts and crafts room at summer camp. And I just hit a few rooms. This is how it goes sometimes when a family of seven is in full throttle. I love a neat and tidy house and ours is that way more than half of the time. A big part of me loves it when its this way too. This is real life. We are happy and content and the most important things in life are intangible. We have those. The most important things aren’t these supposed messes. We lean into it. We love it.

#27 You’re Only Half Right

Drew is something else. I’ve written before about all of the questions he asks. That continues. It is awe inspiring, vexing, hilarious at the same time. He has voraciously read the Action Bible, which is the bible in a comic book layout. He has read much of it more than once or twice. His bible reading has lead to more questions, many of them about words he hasn’t read previously. It is quite funny when an 8 year old asks, “What is circumcision? or “What is adultery?” Now he is reading a kids version of the ‘regular’ bible that is all text and no pictures.

A couple Saturdays ago we had family over and were watching the college conference championship games. Aunt Connie and Uncle John were there. Drew and the bible came up in conversation, this was after ten o’clock sometime. Connie is no slouch when it comes to biblical knowledge and she suggested they do some bible trivia and Drew ask her some questions. They went back and forth and Drew had questions and answers in astonishing detail. At one point he told Connie she was ‘half right’ and then let her know which half. Again, Drew is eight years old. At dinner two nights ago he said his favorite character in the old testament is King Hezekiah and then explained why. I forget I’m talking to an eight-year-old sometimes.

#26 Teasing Them is Great Fun

Teasing the kids is always hilarious. They’ve become accustomed to my sense of humor. They understand the sarcasm. They can dish it out as much as I can.

Tuesday morning last week Lucy was not looking forward to school. She was in a glum mood and would have happily crawled back in bed if we had offered (we don’t make those offers). Instead of telling her it would be fine and the usual platitudes about powering through, I just leaned into it. I said, “Oh yeah you’ve got school today and don’t you also have a couple tests?

“That stinks,” I continued. “But after that you come home you’ll need to change and go to cross country practice. That’ll be awesome and then after that, you get to come home from cross country and eat dinner quickly and then you have to do all your homework. That’ll be great huh?

There was still more. “Don’t forget you’re going to have to squeeze in a shower between eating and starting your homework, which is probably going to make you relaxed and tired, and you might be falling asleep while you do your homework. Don’t try to study in your bed. It will be too comfortable and then you will fall asleep. You might have to stay up later than you want, and you’ll probably wake up tired and the same thing will happen again tomorrow.”

Before I got through all of this we both had a good couple of chuckles. She got herself out of her funk before we got in the car. And it made me love her even more.

#26 Unceasing Questions Part II

I was driving Drew home from the varsity football game. Just me and him in the car. It was raining and admittedly, I was preoccupied listening to the Alabama v. Tennessee game. Drew asked me when the next famine will be and if we will all die during the famine. Some questions are easy to answer. Some bend your brain by being so unexpected. Then he asked me about the Sabbath and why do we have to do chores on the Sabbath. He has spent hours and hours reading the comic book bible. Then he asked me about the worlds most poisonous lizard called the gilla (sp?) monster and if I’m familiar with that creature. I’m not. Then he asked me if I knew about the plant that looks like it’s from another realm and that it can swallow me up. My brain went to the plant in Little Shop of Horrors but I’m not sure if that was the same one he was picturing. Man, he makes me laugh!

#25 Their Most Basic Games are Great

It’s hilarious playing even the most basic games with the kids. It’s one thing to play a game with the kids. It’s quite another to get into it very enthusiastically and sometimes obnoxiously. They love it when I have the enthusiasm that they do. Heck, I do too.

Recent examples…I was pitching the wiffleball to Max and Drew. They were taking turns batting and fielding. Every time either of them would swing and miss, I would scream “steeeerike” in a very long professional umpire kind of a way, which was also obnoxious. Max could not help but laugh every time. He got so distracted by laughing that he would miss it again and I scream “steeeerike” again. And on it went. They were almost rooting for each other to get strikes instead of hits.

The same evening, Max and Drew were playing hide and seek outside around the house and in the woods. I was helping them each find good spots and stay hidden. Max got in the recycling bin (a big, full-size garbage can with a lid) and because I knew he was in there I kept walking past it and each time throwing in a load of cardboard or a few cans or empty water bottles, whatever I could to throw in there on top of his head. He was stifling his laughs so as not to betray his position. I would hold the lid open for a couple seconds and make eye contact before I threw in more recycling. I’d holler at Drew, “Nope, I don’t see him over here.” I was laughing as hard as Max. It’s so much fun to be silly with these boys.

#24 Summer Ending Potpourri

Summer is amazing for us up here. Our weather is typically off of the charts, amazing. Hot, sunny days and cool nights. Highs in the 80’s and lows in the 60’s are the best. We have AC but use it only when we really need it. This year was about 15 days total.

Summer is also a time for more music than we usually listen to and we listen to a lot of music throughout the year! There is beach time and boat time and fire pit time. All involve music. Jack’s musical interest has taken on a life of its own and it’s great to witness. He has been playing Led Zeppelin, U2, a song by the Clash, Mumford, and asking me for my play lists. It has had me reliving some of my childhood when music started to become important to me. I would buy dubbed tapes of albums from a neighbor for five bucks. Jack doesn’t like most of the pop culture garbage tunes that are out there, which is great with me.

Summer is also a time for stepping over things in and out of the house. We step over lots of bodies because we get lots of house guests. We joke that it’s like a civil war hospital, there are so many kids sometimes and we hear random screams and cries from various bedrooms. It’s funny! There is also all of the stuff all over the house. Some of note recently were a dried, dehydrated apple core on a tray next to remote controls, a bowl with a peach pit and 1,000 fruit flies all over it, kitchen dishes appearing seemingly during the middle of the night, and Goldfish crackers in kids beds (that was without permission).

I’m a bit hyper when it comes to kids cleaning up after themselves. And I take a little bit of pleasure in hounding them about all this stuff because parenting is usually fun if you make it that way. While at times it is annoying, it will be sad when there aren’t random messes and stuff all through the house because the kids have left. I take it as a blessing to have their activity, and hence, their messes.

Finally, the youngest is still a tooth fairy kid at 7 years old. He lost a tooth in July and neither of us had any cash on us. When we don’t have cash we will take it from another kid’s wallet and put it under the pillow of the other one. They eventually get paid back with extreme amounts of interest. Cash between kids wallets is quite fluid.

#23 Morning Kids and Car Rides

There are 100 things to do for or regarding the kids on a daily basis. I’m amazed at all the small things the kids need. And in the morning, specifically. The morning is powered by mom. These first world small people have lots of questions and requests from 6:30a – 7:30a every weekday morning. “Mom, where are my socks? Mom, where is the hair brush? Mom, can I have Nutella on my pancakes? Mom, where is my light saber? Wait, what? Mom, Drew won’t stop chewing loud. Mom, Max is hogging the blanket. Mom, Lucy started it. Mom, where is my uniform jumper. Mom, I need to practice my spelling words. Mom, will you do my pony tail? Mom, can I sit in the front? Mom, can I have screen time after school? Mom, mom, mom.” Even if I wake up well rested an hour of this can make me tired. Kids make me appreciate my wife.

After all of that hootenanny the ride to school with the kids is always great. Typically, Monday through Thursday it is time with my 14-year-old son. 15 minutes of car time with no distractions is precious time. I can ask open ended questions. We talk about serious stuff and we talk about nonsense. On Friday I usually take the other four to get a donuts before school. The debate is cookies or donuts. They leave the back seat covered with crumbs. I don’t care. I will carry on this tradition as long as they want.